Princess Kate

March 4, 2011

So, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the future Queen of England is named Kate;) She’s really beautiful and stylish and I’m totally jealous that she gets to look like that and I don’t. Good for her anyway.

Btw, I hit my post-pneumonia weight today. That’s a big milestone for me. I’ve now lost 22 lbs since January 1st. Size 6 – here I come!



Top Secret Bridesmaid

March 3, 2011

So I talked to my friend who is getting married and she agrees that I can be her secret bridesmaid. I didn’t have to work hard to sell her on the idea, since she will be just about the only person ever who gets a secret bridesmaid. I don’t even think the other bridesmaids will know!

That said, I’m glad I have been working on my figure. I have to look good for the wedding, no matter which gender I’m representing. I’ve lost sixteen pounds in the past eight weeks and I’m very much nearing my first weight loss milestone. The first milestone is to weigh as much as I did when I got out of the hospital with pneumonia and was severely famished (this time, with muscle) and the second milestone is to dip below a magical number I haven’t seen in a long while (a girl never tells what that number is);)

So, yeah, I’m pumped.



Always a Bridesmaid (In My Dreams)

February 22, 2011

So one of my closest friends got engaged this week and I am super excited for her. If I had the guts, I’d ask to be one of her bridesmaids, though I’m pretty sure my wife would get pretty mad at me if I did that! What fun it would be, though, helping her to pick out a nice dress and doing all the fun bridesmaid stuff! I’ve been secretly wanting to be a bridesmaid for some time, I have to admit. When I watched Maid of Honor, that one star film, I was giddy the whole time. Unlike Patrick Dempsy, though, I’d be willing to go all out for my bride friend! Heels and all…



S is for Sexuality

February 18, 2011

I rarely discuss my sexuality with anyone. This might be because I was raised in a fairly conservative home or because I long felt embarrassed about my gender identity, which many people associate closely with sexuality. More likely though, its because I haven’t quite figured it out for myself. At nearly thirty years old, I still have a hard time identifying myself in sexuality 101. Since this blog is a confessional of sorts, I think its appropriate to address the matter here, where I feel most comfortable sharing my honest life.

We can start with what I know: I am and always have been attracted to women. This makes me a hetero man or a homosexual woman, depending on which side of my personality is showing on the day in question. As a man, I am attracted to feminine women, though I often have a soft spot for those with an independent streak. As a woman, I find myself a feminine woman attracted to other feminine women – a lipstick lesbian if you will. You can see how this double identification has caused me some confusion over the years.

There’s more to it though.

What I don’t fully understand is my feelings about men. I don’t identify in the least with gay males. Yet, when my libido revs, I often consider what it would be like to be with one. This identification is from a purely female perspective. In my fantasies, I become the fully feminine lover of a strong, well-endowed man. There is no face or head on this figure; he is ripped torso and male parts taking a beautiful woman – me. When I climax in real life, these thoughts tend to vanish fairly quickly. I am left wondering how and where these thoughts arose.

Some would say that I’m gay or bisexual and just haven’t accepted it. However, it feels more complicated than that to me. In talking with therapists and reading case studies of other transsexuals, I find these feelings dismissed or discouraged, as if they aren’t real. They are, though, and they have been for more than a decade of my life. The best explanation I’ve read to date was in a local periodical sex advice column. The questioner wrote to ask the columnist how he could love and cherish women, while periodically having sex with men, whom he immediately discarded after climax. The author responded by suggesting that the questioner had a fetish for femininity, which was so overwhelming that it caused him to embrace all things female, including periodic sex with men.

Since I’ve never actually had sex with a man, I’m not sure if my feelings are fantasies, akin to those in the sex advice column, or some other facet of human sexuality. I’m married to a woman and quite happy in my commitment to her alone, so I have no plans to explore these matters empirically. Should things ever change and I decide to transition full time into a female role, I think it reasonable that I give both sexes an equal shot at pleasing me in the bedroom. Who knows what the future will bring.




January 23, 2011

So I started eating better and working out and have lost ten pounds so far this year. Conveniently, I found some size 12 jeans that are my new goal jeans. I hope to fit into them by the end of this year or sooner. Then I can start working on being a size 6 (yeah, right)! I can’t wait!


Happy New Year 2011

January 2, 2011

This past year was a challenging one, to say the least. However, my young family and I made it through, all be it I had to give up on transitioning to make that a reality. The past few months have gone surprisingly well, except for a serious case of pneumonia, which hospitalized me throughout much of September and October. My feminine alter ego has remained largely in check ever since, if only because my illness made me too tired to bother putting on make up and doing my hair.

In 2011, I’m not sure where my transgender feelings will take me. Maybe they will stay in check and I will have domestic bliss. Maybe they will explode and I’ll finally go through with the transition I’ve been wanting since I was 14. Who knows. Either way, I hope my breasts get bigger. JK! Happy New Year to everyone!


Fall 2010

November 9, 2010

Sometimes a non-op t-girl just has to scream, “Wouldn’t it be sweet to be a hot babe today?”


Life Update

June 21, 2010

In the past few months, since halting my transition, my home life has improved dramatically. There is a sense of stability; my wife is doing better; and I’m making progress on handy projects around the house. I’ve even set about improving myself, reading books on business development and accounting. I continue to have a deep drive to become a woman, but I’ve managed to elude that drive for a goodly amount of time.

Managing my gender identity is something I’ve long been interested in doing. I don’t know if this is a realistic possibility – most t-girls say it isn’t. It has been suggested to me by a good friend, who is a long time lesbian, that everyone makes their own road in this world, no matter what doctors or other people in similar situations will tell you. Anywho, if I have any chance of managing my urges to live as a woman, without transitioning, I need to know my motivators and those things which help me through tough periods.

So far, I can say that my urge to live as a woman is strongest when I am around beautiful women, when I read or watch television shows and movies about transitioning, and during the winter months, particularly around January 1 (a time for goal setting inevitably leads to a desire for breasts). What helps keep me grounded is dressing en femme and the thought of losing my family. There must be other motivators and control behaviors, but I’ve never been able to identify them.

Ultimately, I don’t know if I’m buying time or if mine is a realistic plan. I’ve read my a tranny bio that said, “If only I wouldn’t have waited so long.” Accordingly, I know that time is not on my side and fooling myself will only lead to more duress. With that in mind, though, I’m working hard to figure out if a full on transition is right for me and if there is any way to do that without losing my family. Maybe it will take a life changing event to win me over, either way – I often think about the t-girl race car driver who went to the hospital in panties after a crash and decided she couldn’t wait any longer to transition. Maybe I’ll get wreckless – tell people I shouldn’t; go out in public; have an affair. I can’t say. I just hope that whatever happens, its good for me and its good for the people I love and care about most.


On and On it Goes…

May 1, 2010

It’s been about two months since I ended my hormone regimen for the third time, and I’m trying to figure out where I go from here. My initial plan was to dress in private periodically, to quell my urges to be female. This worked for a few weeks, and I even got my wife into the act a few days ago. As usual, though, she played along for the affair, but has since verbalized her regrets and described the stress that my gender identity disorder continues to cause her. She’s worried – perhaps rightfully so – that I’ll one day decide that dressing in private isn’t sufficient and I’ll need to go full throttle and give transitioning one more shot. This leaves me confused about future directions. Should I keep trying to address my cross-gender needs by dressing in private or should I divorce and again attempt to transition? Both decisions have a chance at failure and at success, so it seems like a crap shoot. Oh, the joys of being transgendered.


Being Sure

March 9, 2010

For the third time in a row, I have found myself losing interest in transitioning after 30-60 days of hormone treatment. If this had happened once or twice, I might chalk it up to lack of will to do the hard things in life. But, three’s a pattern, so I’m beginning to wonder if maybe I don’t need to address some other things first.

One thing I’m wondering about is the affect of pornography on my identity. I started watching porn relatively early in life, which could have altered my development in meaningful ways. When I’m on hormones, I watch a lot less porn. So, is it a coincidence that I stop thinking so much about how great it would be to be a female when I stop watching beautiful women make love to each other all the time? Can close to thirty years of watching beautiful women get off on each other make you want to give that a try?

My therapist and medical doctor have both pointed out to me that fully transitioning is only one option available to me. I could also crossdress in private periodically or even go out on the town as a girl from time to time, without fully transitioning. I’m beginning to think that these are better options than fully transitioning – or, that maybe I should give those options a try, before permanently altering my body and life. I want to make the best decision for my well-being that I can, no matter what others think and feel towards me. So, if I’m being honest, it might be time to stop taking hormones, give Kate a part time role for a while, and test the waters that way. If it isn’t satisfying, I can always start my transition again. If it is, I’ll have saved myself a lot of grief. I know this isn’t necessarily a popular decision for a t-girl to make, but I think its the one I might make, if I’m being honest about my feelings.