Archive for the ‘transsexual’ Category


June 11, 2011

I put off watching TransAmerica for a long time, despite the positive press and the many awards that it received. I’m not sure why, exactly, I put it off, but it may have been out of the somewhat irrational fear that Felicity Huffman would be too scary as a male to female transsexual and seeing that would turn me off to the whole thing – thus leaving me without a life purpose.

Tonight I broke down and watched the film in the comfort of my own home. As it turns out, I was foolish for waiting so long to see it. The movie is a real treat; its both a great story and a great trans-story. The film doesn’t get everything about being trans right, I don’t think, but they make a noble attempt and bring to bear a realism that is believable, yet communicates clearly the many unique hurdles encountered by trans-people of all sorts.

If you haven’t seen this film yet, I highly recommend it.




Those Old Feelings

June 4, 2011

Those old feelings are coming back again, as strong as ever. As I think about how to handle them, I conducted the following goal setting exercise, which I thought I would share with my readers, so that you can get a better glimpse at who I am and who I envision myself to be. Feedback is welcome, as always.



I want to be a fit and sexy woman.

Why is this important to me?

Because I’ve wanted to be a woman my whole life and I often find myself thinking and acting like a woman.

What do I mean?

Since I was a little boy I’ve always felt that I should be a girl. I often find myself wanting to do things in a dress or heels; I look at other women and wish that I could have the body and shape that they have; I don’t want to be ashamed to listen to music or watch movies that are considered ‘for women.’

And why is that important to me?

Changing sexes will help me to bring together the way I feel I should look with the way I actually look. It will allow me to live my life in an open, feminine way, instead of living as a man who is often accused of acting feminine.

What will you look like? Be specific.

I want to have a decent rack, slim waistline, feminine hair, a nice butt, and to look fashionable in clothes and makeup. I want to be conservative but sexy.

How will you feel?

 As a woman, I will feel free to be my honest self. I will be free to be sexy and to find camaraderie with other women.

What will others say or think?

Some people will be shocked at what I have done, but others will be happy for the courage I have shown in pursuing and achieving my lifelong goal.

What will you be able to do that you can’t do now?

 As a woman, I will be able to dress and act in feminine ways, to attract the attention of the other sex, and to find peace with my inner self.

What will you have to let go of or sacrifice?

 I may have to lose people who are close to me, like family and friends. Most traumatically, I may lose my wife and children.

What do you need to learn to get there?

I need to learn that mine is a chronic condition worth treating now, not later. Also, I need to learn how to pass as a female more convincingly, both through dressing and acting feminine. I will need to learn about make up and clothes and how to carry myself, how to talk, and how to act around others who would treat me differently as a female than as a male.

What sort of support do you need?

I will need emotional support from family and or friends as I transition. I may become unsure of myself, especially when trade offs become apparent. I may also need support in the form of a place to stay, if things go poorly at home, and to learn more about passing as a woman, such as with regards to hair, makeup, clothes, etc.

How will it affect or change your life?

Achieving my goal could put me in a whole new living situation or it could have subtler effects, such as changing how I am treated. It will change how I dress and act, how I am perceived by others, and how I feel about myself.

What else?

 I need to balance my constant urges to live as a woman with my desire to keep my family in tact. This means that I cannot act too suddenly or rashly, but also that I need to realize that the clock is ticking on my ability to transition.

Happy New Year 2011

January 2, 2011

This past year was a challenging one, to say the least. However, my young family and I made it through, all be it I had to give up on transitioning to make that a reality. The past few months have gone surprisingly well, except for a serious case of pneumonia, which hospitalized me throughout much of September and October. My feminine alter ego has remained largely in check ever since, if only because my illness made me too tired to bother putting on make up and doing my hair.

In 2011, I’m not sure where my transgender feelings will take me. Maybe they will stay in check and I will have domestic bliss. Maybe they will explode and I’ll finally go through with the transition I’ve been wanting since I was 14. Who knows. Either way, I hope my breasts get bigger. JK! Happy New Year to everyone!


On and On it Goes…

May 1, 2010

It’s been about two months since I ended my hormone regimen for the third time, and I’m trying to figure out where I go from here. My initial plan was to dress in private periodically, to quell my urges to be female. This worked for a few weeks, and I even got my wife into the act a few days ago. As usual, though, she played along for the affair, but has since verbalized her regrets and described the stress that my gender identity disorder continues to cause her. She’s worried – perhaps rightfully so – that I’ll one day decide that dressing in private isn’t sufficient and I’ll need to go full throttle and give transitioning one more shot. This leaves me confused about future directions. Should I keep trying to address my cross-gender needs by dressing in private or should I divorce and again attempt to transition? Both decisions have a chance at failure and at success, so it seems like a crap shoot. Oh, the joys of being transgendered.


Being Sure

March 9, 2010

For the third time in a row, I have found myself losing interest in transitioning after 30-60 days of hormone treatment. If this had happened once or twice, I might chalk it up to lack of will to do the hard things in life. But, three’s a pattern, so I’m beginning to wonder if maybe I don’t need to address some other things first.

One thing I’m wondering about is the affect of pornography on my identity. I started watching porn relatively early in life, which could have altered my development in meaningful ways. When I’m on hormones, I watch a lot less porn. So, is it a coincidence that I stop thinking so much about how great it would be to be a female when I stop watching beautiful women make love to each other all the time? Can close to thirty years of watching beautiful women get off on each other make you want to give that a try?

My therapist and medical doctor have both pointed out to me that fully transitioning is only one option available to me. I could also crossdress in private periodically or even go out on the town as a girl from time to time, without fully transitioning. I’m beginning to think that these are better options than fully transitioning – or, that maybe I should give those options a try, before permanently altering my body and life. I want to make the best decision for my well-being that I can, no matter what others think and feel towards me. So, if I’m being honest, it might be time to stop taking hormones, give Kate a part time role for a while, and test the waters that way. If it isn’t satisfying, I can always start my transition again. If it is, I’ll have saved myself a lot of grief. I know this isn’t necessarily a popular decision for a t-girl to make, but I think its the one I might make, if I’m being honest about my feelings.


Eight Weeks and Running

March 4, 2010

I crept into my eighth week of hormones yesterday, with barely a notice. Today, however, my chest is aching something fierce. Things are generally going as well as can be expected. This weekend I bought a treadmill and began a daily exercise routine, in pursuit of a targeted weight loss goal. Wish me luck. I also bought a few things from Kohl’s, a couple of new wigs, and a new pair of shoes, which look and fit great.


A Nice Weekend

March 1, 2010

The Mrs. and I spent a very nice weekend together. We went shopping and to dinner on Saturday, then we had friends over for cocktails. The Mrs. was affectionate throughout the weekend, even helping me pick out some foundation and powder. It was a much needed reprieve from the ‘just-friends’ appearance, which our relationship had taken on of late.


Day 50

February 25, 2010

Today is momentous, because we live in a base-10 world, but, also, because it’s day fifty of my hormone use. This is the third time I’ve been on hormones (raise your hand if you didn’t know that). The first time, when I was 24, I was on them for 30 days. I had dinner with a beautiful woman on the 30th day and I decided I’d better give being a heterosexual male another shot. Well, it wasn’t just that, I suppose I just wasn’t anywhere near mature enough to transition at that time and I knew it.

The second time was this past summer. I was on hormones for about forty days, give or take a few. They were breaking up my marriage, however, and I just couldn’t have that. So I quit. This time, at 50 days, they are still breaking up my marriage, but I’m handling it better. All the trying to be a guy in the world – even if it meant staying married – just wasn’t working out for me. I had to start to transition or I was going to go nutty. So, here I am.

Will I make it this time? Maybe. Its really hard work changing genders, though. Also, its heart wrenching to watch your family dissolve. But, here I am, doing all of this stuff, in an attempt to be a happy, healthy woman. Only time will tell if I will make it. For a minute, earlier this week, I didn’t know if I was gonna make it at anything; I was terribly anxious and stressed over my relationship loss. But, after some chatting with friends and some refocusing, I’m hanging in there – at day 50.


Nearing Six Weeks

February 21, 2010

Here’s a status update, as I near six weeks of hormone replacement therapy.

My skin is much softer, there is more fat on my chest, and my pubic hair is coming in with more of a female pattern. I’ve lost a couple inches on my waist and put on an inch or two on my hips.  My butt definitely seems bigger to me, though it measures about the same. There are nodes under both of my nipples, which are painful, when pricked in any way.

The changes to my body had mostly happened by about four weeks, I think. There doesn’t seem to be much progress since. I’m eagerly waiting for the three month mark, which is when, they say, my breast tissue should start to develop. Other than that, I’m trying to be patient, though its very hard.


Alone, On a Bicycle for Two

February 17, 2010

The brain works in funny ways.

Now that my wife is treating me more like a friend than a spouse, I’m finding myself coping in strange ways. During the past week, I’ve had a series of dreams, in which I am either with another woman or dating or flirting, etc. Today, when I went to the mall at lunch, I found myself making eye contact with lots of women, a habit I thought I’d broken when I got married. I guess my pre-frontal cortex is doing its thing.

Most oddly, I’ve had the urge to rear a child today. Not sure why…