Archive for the ‘Hormones’ Category

Craving

April 27, 2011

So, I am totally experiencing a craving for estrogen right now. Man could I go for some Premarin with a side of Provera!

Kate

On and On it Goes…

May 1, 2010

It’s been about two months since I ended my hormone regimen for the third time, and I’m trying to figure out where I go from here. My initial plan was to dress in private periodically, to quell my urges to be female. This worked for a few weeks, and I even got my wife into the act a few days ago. As usual, though, she played along for the affair, but has since verbalized her regrets and described the stress that my gender identity disorder continues to cause her. She’s worried – perhaps rightfully so – that I’ll one day decide that dressing in private isn’t sufficient and I’ll need to go full throttle and give transitioning one more shot. This leaves me confused about future directions. Should I keep trying to address my cross-gender needs by dressing in private or should I divorce and again attempt to transition? Both decisions have a chance at failure and at success, so it seems like a crap shoot. Oh, the joys of being transgendered.

k

Being Sure

March 9, 2010

For the third time in a row, I have found myself losing interest in transitioning after 30-60 days of hormone treatment. If this had happened once or twice, I might chalk it up to lack of will to do the hard things in life. But, three’s a pattern, so I’m beginning to wonder if maybe I don’t need to address some other things first.

One thing I’m wondering about is the affect of pornography on my identity. I started watching porn relatively early in life, which could have altered my development in meaningful ways. When I’m on hormones, I watch a lot less porn. So, is it a coincidence that I stop thinking so much about how great it would be to be a female when I stop watching beautiful women make love to each other all the time? Can close to thirty years of watching beautiful women get off on each other make you want to give that a try?

My therapist and medical doctor have both pointed out to me that fully transitioning is only one option available to me. I could also crossdress in private periodically or even go out on the town as a girl from time to time, without fully transitioning. I’m beginning to think that these are better options than fully transitioning – or, that maybe I should give those options a try, before permanently altering my body and life. I want to make the best decision for my well-being that I can, no matter what others think and feel towards me. So, if I’m being honest, it might be time to stop taking hormones, give Kate a part time role for a while, and test the waters that way. If it isn’t satisfying, I can always start my transition again. If it is, I’ll have saved myself a lot of grief. I know this isn’t necessarily a popular decision for a t-girl to make, but I think its the one I might make, if I’m being honest about my feelings.

Kate

Eight Weeks and Running

March 4, 2010

I crept into my eighth week of hormones yesterday, with barely a notice. Today, however, my chest is aching something fierce. Things are generally going as well as can be expected. This weekend I bought a treadmill and began a daily exercise routine, in pursuit of a targeted weight loss goal. Wish me luck. I also bought a few things from Kohl’s, a couple of new wigs, and a new pair of shoes, which look and fit great.

Kate

Day 50

February 25, 2010

Today is momentous, because we live in a base-10 world, but, also, because it’s day fifty of my hormone use. This is the third time I’ve been on hormones (raise your hand if you didn’t know that). The first time, when I was 24, I was on them for 30 days. I had dinner with a beautiful woman on the 30th day and I decided I’d better give being a heterosexual male another shot. Well, it wasn’t just that, I suppose I just wasn’t anywhere near mature enough to transition at that time and I knew it.

The second time was this past summer. I was on hormones for about forty days, give or take a few. They were breaking up my marriage, however, and I just couldn’t have that. So I quit. This time, at 50 days, they are still breaking up my marriage, but I’m handling it better. All the trying to be a guy in the world – even if it meant staying married – just wasn’t working out for me. I had to start to transition or I was going to go nutty. So, here I am.

Will I make it this time? Maybe. Its really hard work changing genders, though. Also, its heart wrenching to watch your family dissolve. But, here I am, doing all of this stuff, in an attempt to be a happy, healthy woman. Only time will tell if I will make it. For a minute, earlier this week, I didn’t know if I was gonna make it at anything; I was terribly anxious and stressed over my relationship loss. But, after some chatting with friends and some refocusing, I’m hanging in there – at day 50.

Kate

Nearing Six Weeks

February 21, 2010

Here’s a status update, as I near six weeks of hormone replacement therapy.

My skin is much softer, there is more fat on my chest, and my pubic hair is coming in with more of a female pattern. I’ve lost a couple inches on my waist and put on an inch or two on my hips.  My butt definitely seems bigger to me, though it measures about the same. There are nodes under both of my nipples, which are painful, when pricked in any way.

The changes to my body had mostly happened by about four weeks, I think. There doesn’t seem to be much progress since. I’m eagerly waiting for the three month mark, which is when, they say, my breast tissue should start to develop. Other than that, I’m trying to be patient, though its very hard.

Kate

They’re Working…

February 13, 2010

Day 39 and guess what? My right nipple is slightly elevated, as if breast tissue is starting to form! Hurray!

Kate!

P.S. The left one is on its way, too. Both are sore.

Negotiations and Love Songs

February 12, 2010

I had a good cry yesterday. It started on the way home, as I was thinking about the looming disintegration of my family. It continued throughout dinner preparation, right up to the dinner hour. My tears were fueled by genuine sadness, but also by the growing volume of estrogen in my blood stream. I would have never cried without it. Like so much in my life right now, I feel both sadness and happiness toward the event. I am sad that I was so sad I cried uncontrollably, but happy that estrogen in my blood supply helped make it possible.

The Mrs. and I talked after dinner about our situation a little bit. She told me that she is happy to be unpregnant, dieting, exercising, and spending more time with our little girl. I asked her, after three glasses of cheap wine, if she was trying to firm up, so she could replace me. She looked me square in the eye and told me that she had no interest in dating other people right now, because she’s very focused on being a better, more productive person and taking care of our girl. She did say that once I start to dress as a girl, she wants to seperate, because she is not into girls and she doesn’t want to be with one. I slyly mentioned a time when she told me she was very attracted to a woman, but she just said that she wasn’t interested in being with women. I guess that’s that.

All in all, I do feel better, having cried and having had the conversation about our relationship status. Now I’m considering painting my nails and buying some new underwear.

Kate

Day 36: Snow and Poses

February 10, 2010

Today marks the 36th day since I started hormones, also known as five weeks and a day. Thanks to a big snow storm, I spent the day working from home, where I got quite a lot done. Towards the end of the afternoon, I did find time to steal off and be Kate for a while. I showered and shaved, got dressed, did my make up and hair, and even took a picture that vaguely resembles a woman. I got very excited when that happened. I’m back in boy mode now, waiting for these hormones to do their thing and for the tax man to give me enough money that I can start electrolysis.

Kate

P.S. I’ll probably post some pics on here one day, but I’m not that comfortable with the world to do so yet.

Nodes and Lust

February 4, 2010

It looks like I’m starting to develop ***gasp*** breast nodes! Yes, those all important, small and painful, parts of the breast that signal development is coming. There is definitely something under my right nipple, which feels like a node. My left nipple is a bit tender, signaling that side is going to be coming along soon. This is all so exciting!

On a relationship note, my wife and I had a roll in the hay this morning. As my friend said, “This is the strangest divorce ever!”

Kate!