Archive for the ‘Divorce’ Category

On and On it Goes…

May 1, 2010

It’s been about two months since I ended my hormone regimen for the third time, and I’m trying to figure out where I go from here. My initial plan was to dress in private periodically, to quell my urges to be female. This worked for a few weeks, and I even got my wife into the act a few days ago. As usual, though, she played along for the affair, but has since verbalized her regrets and described the stress that my gender identity disorder continues to cause her. She’s worried – perhaps rightfully so – that I’ll one day decide that dressing in private isn’t sufficient and I’ll need to go full throttle and give transitioning one more shot. This leaves me confused about future directions. Should I keep trying to address my cross-gender needs by dressing in private or should I divorce and again attempt to transition? Both decisions have a chance at failure and at success, so it seems like a crap shoot. Oh, the joys of being transgendered.



Day 50

February 25, 2010

Today is momentous, because we live in a base-10 world, but, also, because it’s day fifty of my hormone use. This is the third time I’ve been on hormones (raise your hand if you didn’t know that). The first time, when I was 24, I was on them for 30 days. I had dinner with a beautiful woman on the 30th day and I decided I’d better give being a heterosexual male another shot. Well, it wasn’t just that, I suppose I just wasn’t anywhere near mature enough to transition at that time and I knew it.

The second time was this past summer. I was on hormones for about forty days, give or take a few. They were breaking up my marriage, however, and I just couldn’t have that. So I quit. This time, at 50 days, they are still breaking up my marriage, but I’m handling it better. All the trying to be a guy in the world – even if it meant staying married – just wasn’t working out for me. I had to start to transition or I was going to go nutty. So, here I am.

Will I make it this time? Maybe. Its really hard work changing genders, though. Also, its heart wrenching to watch your family dissolve. But, here I am, doing all of this stuff, in an attempt to be a happy, healthy woman. Only time will tell if I will make it. For a minute, earlier this week, I didn’t know if I was gonna make it at anything; I was terribly anxious and stressed over my relationship loss. But, after some chatting with friends and some refocusing, I’m hanging in there – at day 50.


Alone, On a Bicycle for Two

February 17, 2010

The brain works in funny ways.

Now that my wife is treating me more like a friend than a spouse, I’m finding myself coping in strange ways. During the past week, I’ve had a series of dreams, in which I am either with another woman or dating or flirting, etc. Today, when I went to the mall at lunch, I found myself making eye contact with lots of women, a habit I thought I’d broken when I got married. I guess my pre-frontal cortex is doing its thing.

Most oddly, I’ve had the urge to rear a child today. Not sure why…


Negotiations and Love Songs

February 12, 2010

I had a good cry yesterday. It started on the way home, as I was thinking about the looming disintegration of my family. It continued throughout dinner preparation, right up to the dinner hour. My tears were fueled by genuine sadness, but also by the growing volume of estrogen in my blood stream. I would have never cried without it. Like so much in my life right now, I feel both sadness and happiness toward the event. I am sad that I was so sad I cried uncontrollably, but happy that estrogen in my blood supply helped make it possible.

The Mrs. and I talked after dinner about our situation a little bit. She told me that she is happy to be unpregnant, dieting, exercising, and spending more time with our little girl. I asked her, after three glasses of cheap wine, if she was trying to firm up, so she could replace me. She looked me square in the eye and told me that she had no interest in dating other people right now, because she’s very focused on being a better, more productive person and taking care of our girl. She did say that once I start to dress as a girl, she wants to seperate, because she is not into girls and she doesn’t want to be with one. I slyly mentioned a time when she told me she was very attracted to a woman, but she just said that she wasn’t interested in being with women. I guess that’s that.

All in all, I do feel better, having cried and having had the conversation about our relationship status. Now I’m considering painting my nails and buying some new underwear.


D Word: Divorce

January 22, 2010

After a week of talking about it and, frankly, going back and forth about the matter, the Mrs. went to see a divorce lawyer today. She made the appointment a week ago, but this weekend she was saying that she would give life with Kate a try, if it avoided a divorce. I suspected that she would recant and go to see the lawyer, if only because she had the appointment.

We went out to dinner tonight and the Mrs. was quiet and sullen, so I asked if she had gone through with it. She said she had and that she was going to wait until this weekend to tell me. I guess I’m glad I guessed it. Apparently, it will be a few weeks – maybe two months – before I get papers about it all. Then we will meet with the lawyer and settle any differences we may have. We don’t anticipate any, as this is a friendly divorce that neither of us wants, really. But, we have the definition of irreconcilable differences, so it must be.

I’m saddened, naturally, but trying to stay focused on the future. The big challenge will be selling our house, which we only bought a little more than a year ago. Since we bought at the bottom of the market, I am hopeful that we have a snowball’s chance in hell of recouping our money, but I wouldn’t be surprised if we can’t. In any event, I have no qualms about a “strategic default,” since I already have another house (a rental) and neither of us has much credit score left after the past two years. Only time will tell if it comes to that.