S is for Sexuality

I rarely discuss my sexuality with anyone. This might be because I was raised in a fairly conservative home or because I long felt embarrassed about my gender identity, which many people associate closely with sexuality. More likely though, its because I haven’t quite figured it out for myself. At nearly thirty years old, I still have a hard time identifying myself in sexuality 101. Since this blog is a confessional of sorts, I think its appropriate to address the matter here, where I feel most comfortable sharing my honest life.

We can start with what I know: I am and always have been attracted to women. This makes me a hetero man or a homosexual woman, depending on which side of my personality is showing on the day in question. As a man, I am attracted to feminine women, though I often have a soft spot for those with an independent streak. As a woman, I find myself a feminine woman attracted to other feminine women – a lipstick lesbian if you will. You can see how this double identification has caused me some confusion over the years.

There’s more to it though.

What I don’t fully understand is my feelings about men. I don’t identify in the least with gay males. Yet, when my libido revs, I often consider what it would be like to be with one. This identification is from a purely female perspective. In my fantasies, I become the fully feminine lover of a strong, well-endowed man. There is no face or head on this figure; he is ripped torso and male parts taking a beautiful woman – me. When I climax in real life, these thoughts tend to vanish fairly quickly. I am left wondering how and where these thoughts arose.

Some would say that I’m gay or bisexual and just haven’t accepted it. However, it feels more complicated than that to me. In talking with therapists and reading case studies of other transsexuals, I find these feelings dismissed or discouraged, as if they aren’t real. They are, though, and they have been for more than a decade of my life. The best explanation I’ve read to date was in a local periodical sex advice column. The questioner wrote to ask the columnist how he could love and cherish women, while periodically having sex with men, whom he immediately discarded after climax. The author responded by suggesting that the questioner had a fetish for femininity, which was so overwhelming that it caused him to embrace all things female, including periodic sex with men.

Since I’ve never actually had sex with a man, I’m not sure if my feelings are fantasies, akin to those in the sex advice column, or some other facet of human sexuality. I’m married to a woman and quite happy in my commitment to her alone, so I have no plans to explore these matters empirically. Should things ever change and I decide to transition full time into a female role, I think it reasonable that I give both sexes an equal shot at pleasing me in the bedroom. Who knows what the future will bring.

 

Kate

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