Archive for June, 2010

Life Update

June 21, 2010

In the past few months, since halting my transition, my home life has improved dramatically. There is a sense of stability; my wife is doing better; and I’m making progress on handy projects around the house. I’ve even set about improving myself, reading books on business development and accounting. I continue to have a deep drive to become a woman, but I’ve managed to elude that drive for a goodly amount of time.

Managing my gender identity is something I’ve long been interested in doing. I don’t know if this is a realistic possibility – most t-girls say it isn’t. It has been suggested to me by a good friend, who is a long time lesbian, that everyone makes their own road in this world, no matter what doctors or other people in similar situations will tell you. Anywho, if I have any chance of managing my urges to live as a woman, without transitioning, I need to know my motivators and those things which help me through tough periods.

So far, I can say that my urge to live as a woman is strongest when I am around beautiful women, when I read or watch television shows and movies about transitioning, and during the winter months, particularly around January 1 (a time for goal setting inevitably leads to a desire for breasts). What helps keep me grounded is dressing en femme and the thought of losing my family. There must be other motivators and control behaviors, but I’ve never been able to identify them.

Ultimately, I don’t know if I’m buying time or if mine is a realistic plan. I’ve read my a tranny bio that said, “If only I wouldn’t have waited so long.” Accordingly, I know that time is not on my side and fooling myself will only lead to more duress. With that in mind, though, I’m working hard to figure out if a full on transition is right for me and if there is any way to do that without losing my family. Maybe it will take a life changing event to win me over, either way – I often think about the t-girl race car driver who went to the hospital in panties after a crash and decided she couldn’t wait any longer to transition. Maybe I’ll get wreckless – tell people I shouldn’t; go out in public; have an affair. I can’t say. I just hope that whatever happens, its good for me and its good for the people I love and care about most.