On and On it Goes…

It’s been about two months since I ended my hormone regimen for the third time, and I’m trying to figure out where I go from here. My initial plan was to dress in private periodically, to quell my urges to be female. This worked for a few weeks, and I even got my wife into the act a few days ago. As usual, though, she played along for the affair, but has since verbalized her regrets and described the stress that my gender identity disorder continues to cause her. She’s worried – perhaps rightfully so – that I’ll one day decide that dressing in private isn’t sufficient and I’ll need to go full throttle and give transitioning one more shot. This leaves me confused about future directions. Should I keep trying to address my cross-gender needs by dressing in private or should I divorce and again attempt to transition? Both decisions have a chance at failure and at success, so it seems like a crap shoot. Oh, the joys of being transgendered.



18 Responses to “On and On it Goes…”

  1. Keri Says:

    Sorry Kate for seeing this just now… I’m wondering if you’re seeing a gender therapist presently? If not, I would highly recommend that for you, and also for your wife. The worst thing – trust me, from experience – is to try and bluff your way through things. The fact that went so far as to take hormones to me says a lot…. But, don’t rush it, allow yourself to explore where your comfort zones are and take the time to figure it all out. It ain’t easy…


    • Kate Says:

      Hi Keri,

      Thanks for your concern. I am not presently seeing my therapist, though I’ve spent quite a few hours with her in the past. In all honesty, I don’t doubt that I’m a full fledged case of GID, but I do have to determine how I want to live my life. Transitioning would, in many ways, be the easy thing to do. That said, I want to be sure of my decision before I go full fledged and throw away my family, which is what would happen if I decided to transition. So, I’m working through things, learning about me and trying to make the best decision. I’ll probably go to see my therapist again soon, when my new insurance starts up. Under my last plan, I had to pay $150 per visit, which was ridiculous (Had I seen someone in network, it would have been cheaper, but I like my specialist quite a lot).


  2. AnnaRose Says:

    Hi Kate.

    I just accidentally stumbled onto your blog as it is linked to Keri’s (Trans-Late). I have to tell you what I told Keri. Late “transition” is nearly impossible, ESPECIALLY if done for the wrong reasons, which it sounds like to me is the case based on what little I have read of your blog posts.

    I am NOT a licensed therapist or psychologist. I am a successfully transitioned Post-op who transitioned in 1971/72, and moved quietly into the mainstream and never looked back. I just recently “came back” to try and help those who are struggling as you are with GID.

    In my NON-PROFESSIONAL but arguably very knowledgeable opinion, you are NOT a Classic Transsexual by any stretch of the imagination. SRS would be a life threatening catastrophe for you. The very fact that you are unhappy/unsatisfied with the effects of HRT proves that. TRUST me. STAY OFF THE hormones. Find a therapist that is covered by your insurance and figure out a way to enjoy your fetish AWAY from your family.

    Believe what your own body is telling you. You are a heterosexual man. My guess is that you are approaching or already into your mid 40’s. Here is a link……http://www.mtftransition.com/t-girl.htm I strongly urge you to pay particular attention to the first chapter.

    Best of Luck



  3. Keri Says:

    Wow.. That is a lot for a copayment…. I know the feeling and, in one respect, my wife helped me by demanding that I leave. It is so hard to make this decision, I know, so take the time you need. One thing I have learned, however, is that this will never go away.


  4. AnnaRose Says:

    Pleeease….Read the link that I provided. You need some perspective. Please.

    • Zoe Brain Says:

      What she said. I came here to rebut the statement that “late transitioning is nearly impossible”.

      But…. if you are able to go off hormones once on them, without immediately suffering mental collapse, I would advise you not to try transition. It will kill you, not to put too fine a point on it.

      Transition is for the desperate, and to them it’s no more of a choice than breathing.

      You are TG not TS. Transition isn’t appropriate for you. There are other therapies that can help though, but I’m afraid I’m not expert in that area.

      Where I’d differ is in saying “Find a therapist that is covered by your insurance and figure out a way to enjoy your life as whoever you’d like to be.” I think though that modifying your body would be catastrophic, a terrible mistake. So any disagreement I have with AnnaRose is in the fine details, not the basics. Please listen to her.

      • Kate Says:

        Hi Zoe,

        I think many a t-girl has stopped and started hormones without losing their marbles. That said, I am aware that transitioning is a serious thing and I’m not taking it lightly.


  5. AnnaRose Says:

    Hi Kate.

    I notice that you have not responded to my comments and I can only hope that you have been at least considering what I have said. As I stressed in my initial post I have no professional credentials and yet I feel compelled to reach out to you because I feel your pain. I understand what you are feeling. I was there too, long, long ago.

    I understand the doubts, and I understand your not wanting to hear what you don’t want to hear, BUT you need to HEAR this. You need to FULLY understand what you are doing.

    I am having a similar struggle with your fellow blogger, Keri. The following is an excerpt from what I have written to her……

    “……. Is it that my last post has posed some difficult questions? I realize that you have been going through some difficult times and I know that we have agreed that this is indeed part of this most difficult of journeys.

    I have always believed that the later in life a transition is attempted, the harder it is. There are lots of reasons for this and that is easily a subject for a more thorough examination. I am sure that you can attest to the high price being exacted and the difficulties involved.

    It is for this reason that I ALWAYS urge people to try and find another way to deal with their feelings. Believe me when I tell you that I understand how and what you are feeling. Although I was much younger at the time the price was essentially the same. (Although in your case and the case of your friend, Kate it may even be higher because you and Kate have family.) In my case, the price of the wager, was only MY life.

    I bet my LIFE that I would and could be happier than I was, IF, (and this was a HUGE ‘if’. IF I could successfully change my sex from male to female. And believe me, there were LOTS of corollary ‘ifs’. Fortunately, by the Grace of God, I won that bet. I am still here, happy and kicking, 40 years later.

    Now my question to you (and KATE), is this. Are you betting your life that you will be able to successfully CHANGE YOUR SEX from male to female? Or is your end goal to change into, or become a “transgender” or “transwoman”. I ask this because there is a BIG difference, and I am hoping that you are aware of that VERY BIG difference.”

    Changing sex is no cake walk. Less than half of those who make the attempt survive to become women in the mainstream. And even fewer of those that do survive ever “come back” to tell about it. Most of the survivors, become either professional “trans-genders” or activists. My question to you is essentially the same. Where do you see yourself 3 years, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years after transition? This is what we are talking about….the rest of your LIFE.
    Are you absolutely SURE that there is NOT an easier way?

    Do ME a favor. Do yourself a favor. Please. Think about that.

    • Kate Says:

      Hi Annarose,

      Again, I appreciate your honesty. I have been on hormones three times and each time I enjoyed the effects that they had on my body. Each time, though, I got a bit scared about the impact that transitioning would have on my life and I stopped taking hormones within a few weeks of starting. Each time that I quit, I tried to recommit to being a man, as that was the life I was facing by not transitioning – and each time I was desperate to be a woman within a few weeks of quitting the hormones. My professional therapist, who is well regarded, has diagnosed me with gender identity disorder and made it clear that there are many options for me to explore before a full transition. I have consider each option very carefully and my heart continues to demand a full transition. I am not at risking my life yet to transition, as I know that I will lose my family if I do and I can’t bring myself to do it. That said, my behavior could equally be the result of a lack of courage as it is a lack of determination to transition. I feel squashed between a rock and a hard place at the age of 28 – when I think I can still reasonably transition. I know that my biological clock is ticking quickly and I’m desperate to get on with transition, if that’s what I’m going to do. However, like I said, I can’t bring myself to lose my family, which is why I haven’t transitioned yet. Will it drive me insane or will I eventually cave to the urges? Probably. Only time will tell. I know my friends think I need to get out of my marriage and do what I feel I need to do, but I’m just stuck.


    • Kate Says:

      Btw, I read that link you posted. I think the author presents a very real picture of transsexual living, though in not so nice terms and without recognition that his/her experience could be somewhat varied from other members of the community. Having read it, I’d still like to transition. Call me crazy.

  6. AnnaRose Says:

    Look. It sounds like your therapist is being honest with you. You do have several options. The bottom line is that you must be TOTALLY and BRUTALLY HONEST with yourself. You cannot just keep “wishy, washing”. It is the old “shit or get off the pot” syndrome.

    28 is not to late to do this. I did it at 22/23. I have acquaintances on the web that have done it in their 30’s. I know another personally that is 42 has 3 kids and is about 5 months in am just about ready to go full time.

    The way I see it is this….to do nothing will cost you MORE dearly, the longer you wait. It sounds obvious to me that your family may well be the price of your freedom/happiness. However, that Is NOT a given. Just because you get a divorce due to irreconcilable differences, does NOT mean you will never see your family again. You will probably not be involved in raising your children, but those are “details” which need to be worked out. It sounds like it is the love of your family which is keeping you in this untenable situation, because like it or not short of aversion therapy, (which may or probably will NOT work. I tried it…did not work), these urges just will NOT go away.

    You can try to find a way to indulge them away from your family, but if your brain is “wired” female then you ARE female, baby and you had better quit fooling around and get that fixed. PERIOD.

    You MUST have a plan. Plan for everything, money, shelter, employment, EVERYTHING you can think of. Then re-think it again and add 30% for unforeseen events. Trust me. This will not be easy. Have you started that link I sent you? Start there. You will probably NOT like what you read, but READ it anyway. You need to understand the “dark side”. And do not let anyone fool you. There IS a dark side.

    How many of your “friends” have you actually met, that have been there, done that? I transitioned 39 years ago. I have met three real deal WOMEN of transsexual history. Do you understand what I mean HISTORY? It means that these women are NO longer transsexual. They transitioned decades ago their history is just that ANCIENT HISTORY.

    That said I hope a word to the wise will suffice, Spare yourself some pain and DO NOT listen to people transitioning or getting ready to go full time. Speaking plainly, they do not know diddly squat. They are commonly know as pantiwankers. Sorry to be offensive, but some folks just do not get this. This is not a game, it is not a choice or a “lifestyle” it is YOUR LIFE.

    Good luck. Keep us posted and READ that Damn LINK

    • Kate Says:

      Hi Anna Rose,

      I am aware that I am not too old to transition and that there is an urgency to do it now. That said, I feel someone paralyzed by the catch 22 that I find myself in. I have a wonderful life and the only problem with it is this terribly strong urge I have to live as a woman. Acting and not acting seem to have equally devastating consequences, which is making me completely unable to act. Rationally, I know I need to transition; emotionally, I can’t seem to leave my wife; environmentally, its easier to stay that to go. So, I’m stuck until something in the equation changes. It could be me, it could be my wife, it could be my environment. I’m trying desperately to make it me, but all the reasoning in the world doesn’t seem to be enough. At the end of the day, I’m dying a slow death, caused by my inability to transition or to get rid of my transsexual urges. I am aware of this problem and am consciously trying to find a workable solution that gets me off the pot, one way or another. Thank you for your passionate encouragement. You have given me much to think about.


  7. AnnaRose Says:

    OK…but just so you know. “Crazy” is NOT good. “Crazy” will KILL YOU.

  8. AnnaRose Says:

    “….his/her experience could be somewhat varied from other members of the community” -kate

    Really? What members of what community are you referring to?

    • Kate Says:

      I’ve read many biographies and auto-biographies by and about transsexuals in the nearly 15 years I’ve been struggling with the conscious desire to live as a woman. Many t-girls do have negative experiences, such as those described through that web link. However, there are other experiences that are common, too, including many with more favorable components. I recognize that nearly all transsexuals experience some or most of the discomforts described through the web link (including myself; I could relate to a great deal of it – i.e. isn’t it fun to dumpster dive for girl clothes?), but clearly the author has had a very negative experience and wishes to portray those aspects to their audience.


  9. AnnaRose Says:

    FYI………..I posted this on TGV_Advocacy back in January, in an effort to save this persons life. Despite the best efforts of everyone involved we failed. PLEASE. Get your life together. Please do not make the same mistake Carina did.

    IT STARTED WITH THIS, an email I rec’d in late January.

    I’m sorry to inform you of this but I have decided to end my life. It will be in about 4 to 6 weeks but that Is what I’ve set out to do. I have placed all my finances and other death related stuff in order. MY life is not worth living nor do I deserve a burial or memorial service. I have requested that I be creamated and have my ashes spread along the Sonoma county coast where I grew up. I’m sorry, I’m not strong enough to live nor am i strong enough to transition. I will be at peace soon enough. My EX knows this well and is allowing me to be free of my pain. Love in Life, Love
    in Death, Carina…<<

    I only know this individual via yahoo chat. I know only what city this person
    lives in and that they work for a state agency. Any ideas on getting this person some help?

    Weeks later, this….."I am concerned that we have no news from Carina. Any ideas on what we can do to re animate a concerted effort to find Carina and potentially SAVE HER LIFE"

    and this….from…."Carina H (2/7/2010 8:07:12 AM): Why did you waste your Time on me? Going to the Gems… People have gotten word that I'm going to kill myself and no one is leaving me alone. Even my therapist knows. I have paid off and cancelled 2 out of 3 credit cards. I've sold most of my tools and all I'm waiting on now is my Federal tax return to finish paying off bills and closing the last account. Please don't feel sorry for me. I'm not one of the strong ones. The battle I've waged for most of my life was one of Transition or death. We know which one will win. I've forever lost the three things I care most about in this life. There is no more reason for me to continue on having lost what I can never regain. With my paganistic belief system my body will cease to exist but my life force will continue on. I'm sorry I hurt you. Carina"

    In late February this….
    "Hi Marla, (an ally, trying to find and save Carina)
    It has been several weeks now that I have heard nothing from either you or Carina. I have sent several messages to Carina to no avail.
    Would you mind checking in with the Therapist or your contact at the PD to see if there have been any developements. Surely if the therapist has a current address, that info should be available to the authorities if there is a LIFE at risk.
    Hopefully yours,
    Rose Anne

    Date: Monday, April 19, 2010, 3:21 AM
    Hi, I am so sorry to have to share this with you. I can't help feeling there should have been something else we could do, even though I know we did what we could in terms of notifying everyone who could possibly help Carina. You were a good friend to try and get help for her, and it did get some wheels turning. I hope you are okay, and again I am sorry to have to tell you such sad news.

    Sacramento PFLAG has just received an e-mail notification from a
    childhood friend of Carina Paige that she has committed
    suicide. Carina was a member of the River City Gems Yahoo group in the latter part of 2009, and participated with Sacramento PFLAG, the Sutter Gender support group and assisted with preparation of the reception at our Candlelight Vigil last November. I will share more information when

    Francie Milazzo

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