Archive for March, 2010

Being Sure

March 9, 2010

For the third time in a row, I have found myself losing interest in transitioning after 30-60 days of hormone treatment. If this had happened once or twice, I might chalk it up to lack of will to do the hard things in life. But, three’s a pattern, so I’m beginning to wonder if maybe I don’t need to address some other things first.

One thing I’m wondering about is the affect of pornography on my identity. I started watching porn relatively early in life, which could have altered my development in meaningful ways. When I’m on hormones, I watch a lot less porn. So, is it a coincidence that I stop thinking so much about how great it would be to be a female when I stop watching beautiful women make love to each other all the time? Can close to thirty years of watching beautiful women get off on each other make you want to give that a try?

My therapist and medical doctor have both pointed out to me that fully transitioning is only one option available to me. I could also crossdress in private periodically or even go out on the town as a girl from time to time, without fully transitioning. I’m beginning to think that these are better options than fully transitioning – or, that maybe I should give those options a try, before permanently altering my body and life. I want to make the best decision for my well-being that I can, no matter what others think and feel towards me. So, if I’m being honest, it might be time to stop taking hormones, give Kate a part time role for a while, and test the waters that way. If it isn’t satisfying, I can always start my transition again. If it is, I’ll have saved myself a lot of grief. I know this isn’t necessarily a popular decision for a t-girl to make, but I think its the one I might make, if I’m being honest about my feelings.

Kate

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Eight Weeks and Running

March 4, 2010

I crept into my eighth week of hormones yesterday, with barely a notice. Today, however, my chest is aching something fierce. Things are generally going as well as can be expected. This weekend I bought a treadmill and began a daily exercise routine, in pursuit of a targeted weight loss goal. Wish me luck. I also bought a few things from Kohl’s, a couple of new wigs, and a new pair of shoes, which look and fit great.

Kate

A Nice Weekend

March 1, 2010

The Mrs. and I spent a very nice weekend together. We went shopping and to dinner on Saturday, then we had friends over for cocktails. The Mrs. was affectionate throughout the weekend, even helping me pick out some foundation and powder. It was a much needed reprieve from the ‘just-friends’ appearance, which our relationship had taken on of late.

Kate