Archive for February, 2010

Day 50

February 25, 2010

Today is momentous, because we live in a base-10 world, but, also, because it’s day fifty of my hormone use. This is the third time I’ve been on hormones (raise your hand if you didn’t know that). The first time, when I was 24, I was on them for 30 days. I had dinner with a beautiful woman on the 30th day and I decided I’d better give being a heterosexual male another shot. Well, it wasn’t just that, I suppose I just wasn’t anywhere near mature enough to transition at that time and I knew it.

The second time was this past summer. I was on hormones for about forty days, give or take a few. They were breaking up my marriage, however, and I just couldn’t have that. So I quit. This time, at 50 days, they are still breaking up my marriage, but I’m handling it better. All the trying to be a guy in the world – even if it meant staying married – just wasn’t working out for me. I had to start to transition or I was going to go nutty. So, here I am.

Will I make it this time? Maybe. Its really hard work changing genders, though. Also, its heart wrenching to watch your family dissolve. But, here I am, doing all of this stuff, in an attempt to be a happy, healthy woman. Only time will tell if I will make it. For a minute, earlier this week, I didn’t know if I was gonna make it at anything; I was terribly anxious and stressed over my relationship loss. But, after some chatting with friends and some refocusing, I’m hanging in there – at day 50.



Nearing Six Weeks

February 21, 2010

Here’s a status update, as I near six weeks of hormone replacement therapy.

My skin is much softer, there is more fat on my chest, and my pubic hair is coming in with more of a female pattern. I’ve lost a couple inches on my waist and put on an inch or two on my hips.  My butt definitely seems bigger to me, though it measures about the same. There are nodes under both of my nipples, which are painful, when pricked in any way.

The changes to my body had mostly happened by about four weeks, I think. There doesn’t seem to be much progress since. I’m eagerly waiting for the three month mark, which is when, they say, my breast tissue should start to develop. Other than that, I’m trying to be patient, though its very hard.


Alone, On a Bicycle for Two

February 17, 2010

The brain works in funny ways.

Now that my wife is treating me more like a friend than a spouse, I’m finding myself coping in strange ways. During the past week, I’ve had a series of dreams, in which I am either with another woman or dating or flirting, etc. Today, when I went to the mall at lunch, I found myself making eye contact with lots of women, a habit I thought I’d broken when I got married. I guess my pre-frontal cortex is doing its thing.

Most oddly, I’ve had the urge to rear a child today. Not sure why…


Diet and Excercise

February 17, 2010

Its Fat Tuesday and, funny enough, today I noticed that I’ve put on some extra weight in my bottom. I’m planning to buy a treadmill with some of my anticipated tax refund, to put the kibosh on this sort of thing. While I want my butt to take on some feminine form, I don’t want it to take on too much feminine form.


They’re Working…

February 13, 2010

Day 39 and guess what? My right nipple is slightly elevated, as if breast tissue is starting to form! Hurray!


P.S. The left one is on its way, too. Both are sore.

Negotiations and Love Songs

February 12, 2010

I had a good cry yesterday. It started on the way home, as I was thinking about the looming disintegration of my family. It continued throughout dinner preparation, right up to the dinner hour. My tears were fueled by genuine sadness, but also by the growing volume of estrogen in my blood stream. I would have never cried without it. Like so much in my life right now, I feel both sadness and happiness toward the event. I am sad that I was so sad I cried uncontrollably, but happy that estrogen in my blood supply helped make it possible.

The Mrs. and I talked after dinner about our situation a little bit. She told me that she is happy to be unpregnant, dieting, exercising, and spending more time with our little girl. I asked her, after three glasses of cheap wine, if she was trying to firm up, so she could replace me. She looked me square in the eye and told me that she had no interest in dating other people right now, because she’s very focused on being a better, more productive person and taking care of our girl. She did say that once I start to dress as a girl, she wants to seperate, because she is not into girls and she doesn’t want to be with one. I slyly mentioned a time when she told me she was very attracted to a woman, but she just said that she wasn’t interested in being with women. I guess that’s that.

All in all, I do feel better, having cried and having had the conversation about our relationship status. Now I’m considering painting my nails and buying some new underwear.


Lashes for Days, Not Minutes

February 11, 2010

This everlasting mascara won’t come off and I’m trying to be a boy at work!


Day 36: Snow and Poses

February 10, 2010

Today marks the 36th day since I started hormones, also known as five weeks and a day. Thanks to a big snow storm, I spent the day working from home, where I got quite a lot done. Towards the end of the afternoon, I did find time to steal off and be Kate for a while. I showered and shaved, got dressed, did my make up and hair, and even took a picture that vaguely resembles a woman. I got very excited when that happened. I’m back in boy mode now, waiting for these hormones to do their thing and for the tax man to give me enough money that I can start electrolysis.


P.S. I’ll probably post some pics on here one day, but I’m not that comfortable with the world to do so yet.

Kate for the Day

February 7, 2010

Yesterday, I went shopping, had lunch, and hung out for a few hours with my friend Coley. She helped me buy four tops, which were not too expensive and all look awesome. After shopping, we went back to her place, where she helped me with my hair and make up. I spent the next few hours dressed as Kate, hanging with my good friend. It was super awesome. Thanks, Coley!


Coming Out to a Friend

February 5, 2010

Today, at lunch, I revealed my gender identity issues to a friend and former co-worker. We had been talking, catching up on each other’s lives, when she asked me a curiously pointed question, that was on par with, what else are you hiding. I told her that I needed to share some things with her, but that I wasn’t particularly comfortable talking about them in such a public place (we were sitting very close to other people). She goaded me on, so I wrote on a note, “In 2006, I was diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder,” and I slipped it to her. She reacted very calmly and almost unsurprised. She said something to the effect of “”so,” or “is that all,” before giving pause, to allow me nervous explanation. I rambled on a bit about how I got to this point in my life, before the conversation returned to normal. It was, perhaps, the least exciting reaction anyone I’ve told has had. Then again, my friend is a curiously open individual.