Still Fighting It

So, as always, the first of January is a really difficult time for me, when it comes to fending off my cross-gender feelings. I don’t know why; I suppose it may have to do with the new year being a time for thinking about the future you want for yourself. Anyway, its particularly challenging this year, since I’m trying to be manly.

I have a beard and body hair and a committment to my wife to never change. I’ve tried really hard for the past few months, but it all seems to be pointless. My wife even said to me on Christmas Eve that I’d taken the holiday season as a chance to “prance about,” while decorating, making cookies, and listening to carols. I guess doing those things alone did, in hindsight, make me appear kind of feminine. If only I could have done those things in a cute, retro outfit!

My desire to change has really piqued this week. The last few days have been especially difficult. I’ve been back to my old habits – reading about trans issues online, thinking about dressing up, and peeking in on the hormones I’ve still got stashed in my dresser drawer. They’re good until mid-year, so…

I think this would all be easier if my wife could deal with it, but I just know she’ll explode if I tell her I have to do it. Even if I say I’ll move out or if I tell her I’ll leave everything in the house and continue to make payments. She’s pregnant now and fresh off 2009, the worst year of our lives. So, basically, I can’t imagine her not exploding into rage and anger and depression if I tell her I need to be a she. Hell, I think I would, in her shoes.

There is that little voice in the back of my head, from my close friend, who reminded me last August that I need to do this, no matter what anyone else feels. She’s right and I’d like to call her up one day and tell her I did the right thing. I’m just not sure if I’m there yet. Hopefully, soon.

Kate

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