Archive for January, 2010

Day 25

January 31, 2010

Its day 25 on hormones and here’s what’s happening:

  • I’ve gained an inch-and-a-half in my chest, lost an inch or more from my waist, gained an inch or so in my hips, lost an inch in my arm, gained an inch-and-a-half in my thigh (like I needed that!), and stayed basically the same in my butt.
  • My skin is smother and softer, no doubt. I can tell that my abdominal fat is heading south, based on the way my clothes fit.

That’s about it. The Mrs. and I are trying to find a working middle ground as we see how this whole thing will shake out. We’re being civil, but its a bit odd around here. We’ll see how it goes…



A Reprieve

January 25, 2010

The Mrs. and I rented a hotel room downtown this weekend and went out for a nice night out. It was a very nice time, in which we hardly talked at all about our pending seperation.

I did shave off my facial and body hair after we came back and, after she asked me if I was on hormones, I told my wife that I had been back on them for a little while. She didn’t seem too upset, though we did both battle crying spells on Sunday, from the shear enormity of the situation before us. Its hard to cuddle with someone, who you know you are going to leave.


D Word: Divorce

January 22, 2010

After a week of talking about it and, frankly, going back and forth about the matter, the Mrs. went to see a divorce lawyer today. She made the appointment a week ago, but this weekend she was saying that she would give life with Kate a try, if it avoided a divorce. I suspected that she would recant and go to see the lawyer, if only because she had the appointment.

We went out to dinner tonight and the Mrs. was quiet and sullen, so I asked if she had gone through with it. She said she had and that she was going to wait until this weekend to tell me. I guess I’m glad I guessed it. Apparently, it will be a few weeks – maybe two months – before I get papers about it all. Then we will meet with the lawyer and settle any differences we may have. We don’t anticipate any, as this is a friendly divorce that neither of us wants, really. But, we have the definition of irreconcilable differences, so it must be.

I’m saddened, naturally, but trying to stay focused on the future. The big challenge will be selling our house, which we only bought a little more than a year ago. Since we bought at the bottom of the market, I am hopeful that we have a snowball’s chance in hell of recouping our money, but I wouldn’t be surprised if we can’t. In any event, I have no qualms about a “strategic default,” since I already have another house (a rental) and neither of us has much credit score left after the past two years. Only time will tell if it comes to that.

The A Word

January 14, 2010

So, we did it. We got an abortion. It took two days and seven hours, but we felt that it was the best decision for all parties. Do I have some regret? A little. Surprisingly, though, I’m fairly comfortable with the decision. I’ve rationalized it this way – why would we bring a child into this world, who cannot be adequately cared for or loved? I am not really keen on having an abortion, for all of the usual reasons, but this just seemed to be best for all parties.

Yesterday, I had a visit with my hormone doctor. He wrote me a three month script for premarin and provera, which I’ve been taking now for nine days. As usual, he made a silly tg comment – “Did you go to the Lady Gaga concert?” What a quack, this guy. Afterwards, I went down to the pharmacy, to get the scripts filled. Blue Cross flagged my order, because of the size of it. The pharmacist had to call them and approve it manually. Silly Blue Cross. Anyway, a sense of progress is mounting.


Planning for the Future

January 9, 2010

Today is day four on hormones. No significant changes to report.

Last night, my wife and I talked more about our plans for the future. We’re going to get an abortion and the Mrs. and our little one are going to separate from me, probably sometime after the school year is out. My wife wants to move to Florida, where she has always wanted to live, to start over. I don’t know that that is a wonderful idea for someone with such poor credit and a penchant for being sick (instead of going to work), but maybe it will help her turn a new leaf.

As for me, I’m planning to move back to my rental property, complete my transition, travel, and go back to school. If anything, my future looks very bright. It will be a sad day when we part, but, as we laughed about last night, both of our therapists told us to run far and fast away from each other, many months ago.


Back on Hormones

January 6, 2010

Its official.  I’m back on hormones. I started back on them tonight, by taking four 1.25 mg capsules of Premarin. I’ll add Provera to the mix tomorrow.

I haven’t told my wife yet and I don’t know when I will. She doesn’t seem to handle it well when I talk to her about gender issues. I know I’ll never get out of this relationship, if I don’t push this issue, however, so I’m going to start taking hormones now and get on with something I should have been doing for years.

Of course, there is the issue of my wife’s pregnancy. She is saying that she wants an abortion. I told her that I would raise the baby, but she said she’d rather not bring a child into this world that she doesn’t want and that would start off in a broken home. I can’t say I disagree with her. So, we may go next week. Then again, she is very flip-flopish on issues like this, so we’ll see.

I am using the last 18 days worth of hormones that I have from my previous prescription, which means that I need to go see my doctor within two weeks or so. That shouldn’t be a problem, but sometimes he’s busy and its hard to get into see him. Maybe they can write me a new script over the phone. Either way, he’s going to want to see me, since I started and stopped hormones over the summer, without going back to see him.

Wish me luck,


Another Talk

January 2, 2010

I talked to the Mrs. this morning about my ongoing gender identity issues. As expected, she was in no mood to talk about it. She did say that I have to do what I have to do and that it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I decided to transition, though we would have to get a divorce. She expressed interest in me staying male through the birth of our baby, in July.

One thing I did not bring up, but I am considering, is going back on hormones. If I started hormones in the next couple of months, I could be well on my way to girlhood by the time the baby is a newborn. That way, the baby will only know me as mom #2. I might talk with the Mrs. in a week or two and see what she says. I mean, I know what she’ll say, but I need her to bark at me, “whatever,” so its not a surprise when she sees me taking hormones.


Still Fighting It

January 2, 2010

So, as always, the first of January is a really difficult time for me, when it comes to fending off my cross-gender feelings. I don’t know why; I suppose it may have to do with the new year being a time for thinking about the future you want for yourself. Anyway, its particularly challenging this year, since I’m trying to be manly.

I have a beard and body hair and a committment to my wife to never change. I’ve tried really hard for the past few months, but it all seems to be pointless. My wife even said to me on Christmas Eve that I’d taken the holiday season as a chance to “prance about,” while decorating, making cookies, and listening to carols. I guess doing those things alone did, in hindsight, make me appear kind of feminine. If only I could have done those things in a cute, retro outfit!

My desire to change has really piqued this week. The last few days have been especially difficult. I’ve been back to my old habits – reading about trans issues online, thinking about dressing up, and peeking in on the hormones I’ve still got stashed in my dresser drawer. They’re good until mid-year, so…

I think this would all be easier if my wife could deal with it, but I just know she’ll explode if I tell her I have to do it. Even if I say I’ll move out or if I tell her I’ll leave everything in the house and continue to make payments. She’s pregnant now and fresh off 2009, the worst year of our lives. So, basically, I can’t imagine her not exploding into rage and anger and depression if I tell her I need to be a she. Hell, I think I would, in her shoes.

There is that little voice in the back of my head, from my close friend, who reminded me last August that I need to do this, no matter what anyone else feels. She’s right and I’d like to call her up one day and tell her I did the right thing. I’m just not sure if I’m there yet. Hopefully, soon.