September 2009

So, I’m dedicated to sticking with my decision, which is to continue living my life in guy mode, in an effort to keep my family together. However, that doesn’t change the fact that I’m really, honestly TG and I’m bound to have days where I’m feeling especially effeminate.

The last few days have been those kind of days. I’ve been ruminnating on how mom-like I’ve been feeling, since my wife has been working a lot and I’ve been left with our little girl. Our little girl and I have done all sorts of things, including a few that make me feel very maternal. Today I took the little one to an art fair in a park. We walked past paintings and scultpures, metalwork and drink stands, etc. I noticed how many moms were there with their little ones and I felt a little jealous – jealous that they get to dress and act and think and live as women, while I’m stuck as a fugly man.

Anywho, I just needed to vent. I’m sticking to my guns on this one.

~K

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3 Responses to “September 2009”

  1. Zoë Suzanna Says:

    I am sorry your wife cannot accept you for who you are and accept what would be best for you as a human. True love is unconditional – wanting only the best for others. Perhaps you have unconditional love for your wife…If so, it seems she is not returning it.

    I do understand you are not in a easy situation. I went through something similar several years back when my ex and I divorced and I went to pursue being a Buddhist monk. She called me selfish and so forth, but things worked out eventually and now I am free to become who I really am. The process of separating from my family was very painful, so I do understand only from my experience…I cannot claim to understand your situation fully.

    When I was divorcing and having a difficult time, a friend of mine said – “It is better for your boys to see you and your wife live apart and be happy than live together and be miserable.” My ex and I are for the most part happier apart than together and my boys can tell the difference too.

    From my experience, dysphoria only got worse until I began transition…. several years ago I thought it was enough to just know I was female inside…it’s not enough anymore.

    Be well.
    Zoë

  2. The Subversive Librarian Says:

    I’m glad I found your blog. You have a lot of courage.

  3. Kate Says:

    Thanks so much for your support;)

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