Visit to the Hormone Doctor

Yesterday, I went to see Dr. Wilson and get myself a prescription for feminizing hormones. This was the first time I have been to see Dr. Wilson since I first met him three years ago, when I first began pursuing transition, but before I gave it up briefly.

Dr. Wilson’s office is located in a majestic office building near downtown Detroit. He was previously located in a large, corner suite, with a big reception area and views of the city. Unfortunately for me, he recently moved his office to a much smaller, creepier looking suite. The new suite is painted a pale blue; its as big as my office (which is not very big); it resembles what I imagine an abortion clinic looks like; there are books full of surgery pictures on the table; and there are many, many signs that say you have to pay first. He really needs to move back to the other suite.

Anyway, I went in to see him. He said hello, then proceeded to read all the notes he had written in my file from the time I saw him before. He had written quite a lot of notes, so I waited patiently for a very long time. Then he began with some very short questions, like, “Do you still like girls.” Yes, I assured him. “Are you still doing your ‘grants’ thing [in reference to me working as a grant writer]?” Yes, again. “So what do you want to be?” He asked. I’d like to be content, I said, but failing that, I choose girl.

We bantered back and forth for a brief while. I brought him up to speed on my situation. He wrote me a prescription for Premarin, an estrogen, and Provera, an anti-androgen, then made a crude sexual joke I won’t repeat [honestly, you have to be odd to become a doc who helps people change sex]. I took the script to the front desk, they made a copy, and I was on my way. I had the script filled downstairs, on the first floor. Then I got giddy.

I have yet to tell my wife that I got the hormones, though she knows I was planning to do so. The right moment hasn’t happened yet. I’ve always said I wouldn’t start them without letting her know, so the bottle remains filled, in my dresser drawer. I hope to tell her tonight, if she’s in a good mood. Admittedly, I’m having some cold feet/second thoughts kind of feelings, as anyone must have when embarking on a life changing journey. Still, I am not deterred and I know, in my heart of hearts, this is a journey I must make, one way or another.

On a walk tonight, I was thinking about what I could be scared of, what is causing me hesitation. I could lose my job; so what. I could lose my family; that’s a big one, but I’m prepared, should that happen. I could become physically amorphous; that one worries me quite a lot, but I need to remember that stigma is what others feel toward me – its not my problem, per se. Perhaps most troublingly, I could have sexual function problems. I like sex and all that it entails quite a lot, so this one is a big one. However, if my libido crashes while on estrogren, I don’t suppose I’ll be upset at not wanting sex, since I won’t want it. It will be more the loss of a pastime, I suppose. And, thinking back, some form of sex has been my pastime for, let’s say about 13 years – nearly have my life! So, it would take some getting use to.

I guess, honestly, I just have some nervous apprehension that things won’t go smoothly; I’ll lose family, friends, my job, my self-confidence, and my libido. These are unfounded and irrational fears, that I must crush. Its more likely that I’ll find the real me on my path of self exploration. Its more likely that I’ll really like what I see, when I look in the mirror at the girl me. Then again, life is a big experiment and we can’t possibly know the conclusion, without collecting the data. So, off I go…

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One Response to “Visit to the Hormone Doctor”

  1. AnnaRose Says:

    “I just have some nervous apprehension that things won’t go smoothly; I’ll lose family, friends, my job, my self-confidence, and my libido. These are unfounded and irrational fears, that I must crush” -Kate

    WRONG!!! THESE ARE VALID CONCERNS!!! You need to consider them carefully!!!

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