Archive for May, 2009

How to Stay a Boy

May 25, 2009

In my adolescence, I tried many things to address my gender disorientation, including some ideas that were especially ill founded. Here are some of my regular approaches:

  • Prayer – There aren’t many religious bones in my body, but I think that appealing to a higher power is the number one approach for boys who want to become girls. Its really just wishing, with a targeted genie in mind.  I prayed off and on for years, including a solid run of some 2,000 plus nights from age 14 to 20. How do I know I prayed 2,000 nights? Glad you asked. On those nights, I started my prayers with, “Dear God, I come to you tonight for the 1,432nd night in a row…”
  • Eat Plastic Wrap -The local paper reported that pseudo-estrogens in plastics were changing the genders of fish and helping girls start puberty at increasingly earlier ages. By extrapolating the data, I hypothesized that I, too, could benefit from the hormonal impact of plastics. So, for an unknown length of time in my teens, I regularly chewed on plastic wrap. Sadly, for me, nothing happened. Well, something probably happened – I probably shortened my life and increased my risk of cancer, substantially.
  • Hypnosis – At our senior all night party in high school, a hypnotist made a bunch of my classmates do silly things. This, naturally, demonstrated to me the power of hypnosis and made me wonder if it could help change my body from male to female. I did some research on the subject, tried some chants, and even went so far as to make a CD copy of some of those chants, which I’d listen to at night, before bed. My fascination with hypnosis quickly faded, however, as it became clear the results were lacking.

It wasn’t until I was 24 that I sought real solutions to my problems; it was then that I went, nervously, to a licensed psychologist and an endocrinologist. Their solutions were so effective, I got scared off a few more years, before deciding to make a real go of it.

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The First Time

May 24, 2009

One night in June, when I was fourteen, it occurred to me that I should become a girl. The signs had all been there: I wanted to play with the girls in kindergarten; I fondly remembered putting on my mother’s shoes; and I dressed in my sister’s things when she left them in the hamper. Many boys had these experiences – through play or experimentation – but, for me, it was clear that the future held more of the same. I had not only done these things; I wanted to have my own feminine clothes; explore make up and accessories; and literally be one of the girls.

Its taken me 27 years to come to grips with what I knew that night in June, 1995. Changing genders is, afterall, one of the biggest decisions to be made. Its the kind of decision there’s really no going back from; once jack is out of the box, everyone will remember him in a skirt and heels. The whole affair has been complicated by the fact that I love women, despite wanting to be one, and that I’ve had a very good, very successful life to-date. You can’t take hastily the impact of a stigmatized lifestyle change, when the wave you’re riding is big. But you can’t ignore it either, when it raises a questions as basic as, “What sex am I?”

I’ve decided to take the plunge – to self-actualize the person I’ve always wanted to be, to take feminizing hormones, remove my body hair, pursue plastic surgeries, alter my lifestyle – and become a woman. This blog will chronicle that change, while highlighting some of the feelings and experiences that led up to this life altering moment. The changes I’m planning will affect me, my family, my friends, my colleagues, and others. They will make me new again to adolescence and puberty; new again to finding my place in the world. More than that, they will make me newly grown and newly feminine. They will make me Newly Kate.

First time pulling it together in a long time.